5/29/11

Lawyer Ed's Private Life EXPOSED by Sweet Swine Scoop

As the youngest of three children of Harold and Ethel, Lawyer Ed grew up in a family that had long been prominent members of society. His father was the senior partner in Mortimer, Mortimer and Snout, the most prestigious (and only) law firm in Sweet Swine County.

In high school, Lawyer Ed hankered after Aunt Ella. She hankered back. The pair was so popular, they won the coveted King and Queen titles at the Senior High Prom. The year book tagged them as, “Most likely to stay together for all time.”

At Flat Land High School, Ed starred in each and every school drama production. To his father's chagrin, Lawyer Ed's drama teacher encouraged that he follow his artistic ambitions upon graduating from high school. Ed rebelled against his father’s wishes that he become a lawyer, and announced that he was heading for Hollywood with his wooden duck, “Quackers” (a gift Aunt Ella gave him) to pursue a career as a ventriloquist.

The marriage so widely prophesied in the high school year book was not to be. Ed and Ella parted ways when Ella, though heart-broken, couldn’t bring herself to leave Sweet Swine County and the farm she loved. Teary-eyed, Ed took off alone for the bright lights of Sunset Strip (Route 66).

After several years of failed auditions and eeking out a living in dark, smoke-filled ventriloquist clubs, Ed (and Quackers) returned to Sweet Swine County--hat in hand--and enrolled in law school at Purrdoo University (PU), where he graduated top of his class of three. Ed became legal counsel for his lost love Aunt Ella, hoping to rekindle their relationship. Unfortunately, she died before much could happen on that front.

To fill the void after the death of Aunt Ella, Ed proposed marriage to anyone he met who had the name, Ella. Several failed Ella-marriages later, Lawyer Ed lives alone with Quackers.

Lawyer Ed now suffers from vision problems, after an unfortunate running-with-scissors accident. One of his eyes was affected--he forgets which one that is. "But one is definitely affected," he tells Sweet Swine Scoop.

In the early 1990s, Lawyer Ed started a highly successful Internet hair-loss club for men called, "The Comb-Over Society." He has attracted such high profile members as Donald Tramp, Bruce Wills and Ted Dancer.

To see all the stories and reality-biting video clips on Lawyer Ed click here


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